Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
How's work?
Spinning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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