My room smells like vodka and shame
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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