May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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