Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
you traded sex for a burrito?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my shit smells like andre
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
