So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
did i walk over a car last night?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
