Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
