life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize