dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
