So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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