The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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