we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
