it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
