I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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