I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
