Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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