I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
this beer tastes like vomit already
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
