Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
