Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
