i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
handjob tips. give me some.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize