Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
