i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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