So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
