I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
