I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
