apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
