If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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