nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
