im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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