He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
