Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
