So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
