nut hugger
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
