Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize