also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
