I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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