Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
