I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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