I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
