when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
