pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
