Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
