the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i think my cat just said my name.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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