my vag is so smooth its legendary
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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