we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Randomize
