So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
