3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
