seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
