did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think my moral compass just broke
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize