Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
