I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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