that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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