me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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