i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
