i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
