he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
