ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
